The Farberware Affair
by Proudofyoubabe
Summary: A little one-shot as a challenge from Margaret. She challenged me to come up with something where Ranger would bark a one-word directive at Stephanie. The one word? "Report!" Of course this is a grandma caper :)


_The Farberware Affair_

I'd just gotten back to Rangeman after having spent the afternoon with my grandmother. She'd called me earlier in the day and asked me to take her to see Mr. Greenwald. Of course, Mr. Greenwald was dead or Grandma wouldn't have gotten within thirty feet of him. Mr. and _Mrs._ Greenwald _hated_ my grandmother. So now you can probably guess where we spent the last couple of hours. Oh, I forgot to mention, Grandma left out a few small details when she asked me to take her to the viewing. One, she never told me that _Mrs._ Greenwald was still alive, and two, that they were still feuding. Yeah, Grandma can be wily at times.

So backing up a bunch of hours, I picked up Grandma in the Cayenne. I wasn't thinking when I took that car; I forgot for a minute that Grandma was short so she wouldn't be able to easily negotiate the step up to the front seat. I had to go back into my mother's house to get the small step stool my nieces use to reach the sink when they brush their teeth. It was first Val's and then mine, and it had bunnies and flowers lacquered all over it. After I got Grandma into the car, I picked it up and put it into the back to make it easier for her to get out. I never expected to be using it as a weapon.

Ok, so you're probably wondering by now just what went down that I'd need to use a stool for self-defense? I'm a bounty hunter after all and I should have weapons at my disposal. At least a stun gun and a pistol, right?

Wrong.

I was only taking my grandmother to a _viewing_ for God's sake. The stun gun was back at Rangeman charging and my S&W was in the cookie jar in my apartment. I had no idea where the bullets were anyway.

And by the way, this all started out innocently enough. On the ride over, Grandma mentioned that she hoped it would be an open casket even though Mr. Greenwald had a brain tumor the size of Texas and they had to cut away half his skull to give it room to breathe. He'd had a metal plate fitted over the hole and rumor had it that it was actually one of Mrs. Greenwald's pots. Grandma was hoping for a closer look to confirm suspicions.

"Cheap thing that she was, I know she recycled her old Farberware when her son bought her some new. Metal plates cost money and it wasn't like old Mr. Greenwald knew the difference; he already had the Altzheimers."

"Grandma, you promised mom that you weren't going to make a scene."

"No, I promised your mother that I wouldn't make a scene at _Rory Gallagher's_ wake. I didn't say nothing about Stanley Greenwald's. So what, if they are conveniently happening in the same place at the same time and I just happened to be there for both."

Oh God.

"Come on Stephie, don't be a spoil sport, I never told your mother some of the things I saw you doing with that bounty hunter with the package."

She had me there. And it wasn't like Joe and I weren't still seeing each other when she caught Ranger and I groin to groin on the floor of my apartment. I guessed I could at least indulge her in her harmless quest for knowledge now, couldn't I?

I found a spot right in front of Stiva's. Well actually that spot was taken, so I parked in the driveway and hoped for the best. I got out the stool and helped Grandma down from the Cayenne and we walked into the funeral parlor together. Dave was just putting out cookies and Grandma helped herself to the entire plate as soon as he turned his back.

"Good thing I brought my big bag, he only puts out the oatmeal raisin ones once a week."

I was beginning to see that this wasn't a good idea after all.

"Grandma, Rory's in viewing room one, let's stop there first?"

"He ain't no fun, he had all his teeth and everything. I'm interested in Stanley Greenwald. Come on, viewing room two."

Grandma led the way.

After pushing people aside to get up to the coffin, she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Well I'll be, looks like a closed casket. You know how insulted I get when they have a closed casket. I came all the way here to pay my respects and I want to pay my respects to the body...not a box," she said getting closer.

Something told me to pull her out of the room now, but I got distracted when I heard my name being called. I looked around and saw Mrs. Costanza, Carl's mom, smiling and waving me over.

"Grandma be good," I said to the air around me, "I'll be right back."

As I walked the few feet towards Mrs. Costanza I heard the crash. I was almost afraid to turn around, I was sure Grandma was responsible for it. I turned around anyway, just in time to see Mrs. Greenwald sucker punch my grandmother. Now Grandma may have done something to deserve that, but she was still my grandmother and no one disrespects my grandmother like that. I took the few strides I needed to get between them and pulled my grandmother away before Mrs. G had a chance to punch her again. It was then that I noticed the casket on the floor. Unfortunately the crash had caused the top to open and Mr. G to fall out.

Oh boy.

Before anything else could happen, I took Grandma by the elbow to scoot her out of the place, but Grandma was having nothing to do with it and pushed my arm away.

"I didn't get a chance to see if his skull was made out of Farberware or not. I'm not leaving until I get to see it," she said indignantly, pushing away from me and heading back towards the body.

Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

It sounded like someone was banging on the pipes. I scanned the room for Grandma. When I caught sight of her, she was on the floor with Mr. G's head in her lap and she was banging on his head with a small hammer.

"It's definitely metal, Stephie. Come take a look."

Oh my God, we were so going to get arrested. I dug through my purse and found my phone. I didn't want to call Ranger, he was meeting with a potential client across town this afternoon, so I called the next scariest person I could think of. Cal.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself. Um, do you think you could lend me a hand? I need to get Grandma out of Stiva's before she's mobbed." "Thank you. I'll fill you in later."

Cal and Ram were coming.

Someone was holding Mrs. G back and someone else had his hand under Grandma's arm, trying to lift her up from the floor when I heard the sirens.

Shit. Grandma was going to get arrested and I was going to be an accomplice.

Luckily after a few seconds it sounded like the police cars had turned _away_ from Stiva's. Maybe it would all work out after all. I felt bad about the body on the floor, but Dave and Scooter seemed to have that under control, having already raised the casket along with Mr. G back onto the pedestal.

"Edna you're going to pay for this, how dare you make a spectacle at Stanley's viewing," Mrs. G said right to my grandmother's face.

I figured I needed to say something back. "Listen Mrs. Greenwald, my grandmother is sorry that the casket fell over. You know how inquisitiuve she can be. Now no harm was done other than a slight disruption, so why don't the two of you shake hands and we'll be on our way."

"I'm never shaking her hand, and I'm going to have you locked up too."

At that moment Cal and Ram arrived.

Grandma was looking at Ram intently. I could see her eyes take in his biceps, his chest and…oh my God, don't tell me.

"He's a looker Stephie, where you been keeping him?" she asked, too late for me to warn Ram. And then her hand reached out and she copped a feel.

"Nice assets, too."

"Grandma we've got to get you out of here. Cal can you help me?" I asked and then I apologized to Ram. "I'm so sorry, " I mouthed.

Ranger was going to kill me. And now he'd have to dole out hazard pay too.

Cal picked up Grandma and made a beeline for the door, me in hot persuit with Ram bringing up the rear. What I didn't expect was for Mrs. G and few of her neighbors to follow us out. I quickly got the step stool out for Grandma but Mrs. G blocked me before I could get it into position. So I did what anyone would do under similar circumstances, I picked up the stool and used it like a lion tamer to keep her in check."

"Now go back inside. Hitting my grandmother isn't going to solve anything. She's already apologized to you. Let's leave well enough alone."

And then the police arrived.

Luckily I'd put the stool down before Gazara and Big Dog caught sight of me. Cal had buckled Grandma into his Explorer and he and Ram came over while I explained what happened to Eddie. I was glad the story amused them and they were ready to leave when Mrs. G spotted my grandmother in the Explorer. She went over and yanked open the door, giving Grandma another punch, this one to her jaw. Jeeez. That had to hurt.

Eddie and Big Dog saw the whole thing and arrested Mrs. G for agrivated assault.

I figured this was my cue and I backed out of the driveway. Cal followed with Ram and Grandma buckled in. We'd probably have to give a statement later but at least we were getting out of there.

My phone buzzed before I even got to the corner. It was Ram.

"Where to?"

"Let's drop Grandma off at my parents' and then I'll follow you back to Rangeman. Ok?"

"Deal." And I was left talking to a dead line.

After we'd dropped grandma off and I explained the situation to my mother, I'd followed Cal back to Rangeman and we parked. I took one of Ranger's spaces because after all I had his car and I made it to the elevator before them. I held the door, postponing the inevitable, but they shook their heads no and went for the stairs. I had the elevator all to myself so I hit five and up it went. I got out without incidence and snuck off to my cube. So far so good. I settled myself in and then went off in persuit of water. Unfortunately I had to pass Ranger's office to do so and as I walked by I heard my name.

"Babe?"

Uh oh.

I turned to see Ranger behind his desk, looking not particularly happy, but I entered anyway. Before I even had a chance to open my mouth he stood, looked at me and barked a one-word directive.

"Report."


End file.
